Closing in on Letting Go

Love is such a beautiful and terrible thing. It lacks structure and reason. It has the power to create and obliterate. Humans crave and chase its warmth and recoil and run from its burn.

Yes, I know love that is honest and true and real is all the good stuff – not perfect, but not dark, cruel, and hurtful. But humans are… human. We’re a messy lot of damaged, scarred, fallible beings navigating life with inherited patterns, societal expectations, with challenges and demons of brain chemistry. Most of us, trying to do our best, working on ourselves, yet struggling and reacting from those damaged places.

Try as we might, ‘doing’ love, like doing life, can be such a slog through the morass of emotions. We want love, but we’re afraid of being hurt. We love someone who’s not in the same place we’re at. We don’t love ourselves, so we settle, or deny, or give up. We limit our scope of possibility believing that this is as good as it gets, or we fear living a single life, so we don’t move on from or let go of what isn’t working.

Why are we so myopic about the possibilities of love? Of finding and manifesting real love? Why can’t we let go of an unfulfilling present, for the wild possibility of future love?

It’s taking me a while, much longer than I want to admit, but I feel that I’m closing in on letting go of hope of a particular lost love that had a tiny new spark. I picked up the end of a thread of an idea. I started tugging and I followed it as it unraveled, slowly, patiently waiting for me to catch up and catch on to what has been so apparent for so long. This isn’t meant for you.

Whooo… just typing that I feel empowered, but also a bit weakened, like when an athlete gives it all she has and ‘leaves it all on the field’. I’ve given so much to it and while I could give more, honestly, it’s not in my best interest. For once, I’m considering what’s best for me here and now. It feels like I need a little more time for my heart to agree with what my head is saying, but I’m a lot closer today than I was just this morning.

When You Want to Surrender, but Now’s Not a Good Time

It seems lately there’s been a steady build-up to a crash.  Some days, it takes more than just a positive attitude to get through, and today, is one of those days.

A look at my expenses compared to my bank account, the number of job applications to the number of interviews, the number of proverbial frogs to kiss to find a prince via online dating – it’s all contributing to eating too much comfort food, napping, crying, and a serious desire to do some ego-trippin’.

I’ve completely lost count of how many applications I’ve submitted and don’t get me started on how many recruiters have called me because they found my resume.  I scramble through their hoops, then I don’t hear back.  For instance, last Tuesday, after 4pm, one recruiter called three times in less than 30 minutes and he sent two emails within 20 minutes of that 30-minute timespan.  He called the following morning as well.  I responded by email, he explained another recruiter in the process would be calling me, and asked that I please answer the phone as it is a very kind request.  I am not one to be connected to my phone and I actually don’t bring it with me to the bathroom.  Maybe it’s me.  Woman recruiter and I talk a bit Thursday, then she leaves me a message about scheduling a phone interview.  I respond as soon as I can late Thursday and let her know I’m available any time on Friday.

<Crickets>

I left another message Friday morning, then later Friday afternoon in case the plan was to schedule early this week.  Still nothing.  Until today, when a different recruiter called from the same company for the same role.  I said I was told I was already submitted for the role and that he should discuss this with Mr. ABC from last week.

These recruiters crack me up – when they’re not completely pissing me off like this.  Calls/messages go something like this:

(Male or Female caller with a very thick Indian accent) Hello, Peggy, I found your resume and I think you would be a very good candidate for a role for our client in Redmond, Washington.  If this sounds to be agreeable to you, please send me your resume with your desired rate of pay.

For all of these calls, I have to either replay the message two-three times or ask the caller to repeat or clarify him/herself and I often just give up on completely understanding what they’re saying.  I call it good if I can reasonably fake their name and at least one word of the position, i.e. marketing, writer, administrator.  The ridiculousness of asking me to send my resume when they specifically say they found my resume just kills me.  And don’t get me started on the silliness of being unable to specify the client as Microsoft. Yes, this is me, ego-trippin’.

The online-dating experience has been more comical than successful, with an extra dash of creepy.  I need to do some expanded posts on this, but to give you a glimpse under the big top, yes, there have been pictures of eligible matches in full clown make-up, one fella was sporting a Breathe-Right strip, another posted profile pictures from the seventies, others seemed to borrow their mug shots, and too many profile pictures are bathroom-mirror selfies.  The profile names are equally fetching such as fatboner, Dilf6969, itchykilt, magicrhino, fonziethefonz, and bigphatcock.

While surrender is always an option, now’s not a good time.  Hoping the Universe hears my pleas for help…and some mercy.

Re-Boot Camp – Day 22 – Surrender

While I was meditating this morning, nothing was coming to me as a point of focus for the project, so as I was wrapping up, I just said, “Surprise me.”

In the parking garage, I was stepping out of my car when I got that surprise.  It was a sudden connection between what I read last night in Unthink and my continued coming to terms with my last marriage.  And that was my answer for today’s focus.

Part of the passage was:  …You are going to surrender to something every day.  Let it be something you deeply believe in.

I still struggle and start to beat myself up when I think of all the money I spent to bring my ex-husband home.  I remember someone asking me So when do you call it?  In other words, how much more?  Quitting wasn’t on my radar.  Not finding a way to send more money wasn’t an option.  Not supporting his opportunity to compete in the 2012 Olympics was just not an option.

How do you say no to supporting your spouse in favor of saving money for retirement?

In another marriage, that husband favored saving for retirement above saving the marriage.

So back to surrender.  I surrendered nearly every cent I had because I deeply believed in my marriage.  Or at least, in my commitment to the marriage.