So, yesterday, I was an asshole. A complete pustule of jackassery.
Anger boiled over at people with four broken-down beater vehicles parked on the street behind my home making ridiculously loud noise as they ‘work’ on the vehicles and move them every three days so as not to be towed.
In short, I lost my shit.
There was an embarrassing, ugly scene that followed. Among other things, he said I had a long nose, I pointed out his plumber’s crack – because, isn’t that what mature people do when in conflict? Police came to chat with all parties. Everyone went home and cooled off. I contacted a friend to confess. Eventually, I went to bed only to toss and turn and proverbially kick myself for my behavior and lack of self-control.
I was awake and scrolling through social media for exactly nine minutes before the hangover of my bad choices came crashing in reminding me of my atrocious behavior. That’s when I realized what I needed to do.
The letter started percolating while I got three Starbucks cards.
This is the woman from Saturday’s encounter over your vehicles. I want to apologize for my behavior. It was ugly and inexcusable. I could have lost my job, gotten a cancer diagnosis, and lost my dog and it still would not justify my behavior.
A couple weeks ago, I tried engaging with the other guy who works on the vehicles. My approach was much kinder and non-confrontational but he unloaded on me. I felt threatened and walked away but my defenses were up. Saturday, with my doors and windows closed, I kept having to turn up the volume on my tv to drown out the thuds of tires being tossed into the van and the rev of the motorcycle. When it was clear this was not going to end any time soon, I lost my temper. I’m not trying to justify my behavior; I’m just walking through why it came to that. Yes, it’s a public street, but people live just a few feet from it. Please consider that even though something is legal, sometimes, it’s still not right.
It’ll take more than an apology and coffee to make up for being an asshole, but rather than do nothing, I wanted to do something to restore a little faith in humanity.
P.S. I gathered the nuts, bolts, loose change, and the tow strap that was left behind as you may have moved the vehicles after dark and didn’t realize stuff was left behind.
I’m not sure if crow actually tastes like chicken, but I can confirm, it leaves a bitter after-taste coupled with regret for every moment, at every turn, that I didn’t walk away. Grace will come, eventually. For now, I am sitting with the uncomfortable feeling that being human can be messy, unrefined, and very undignified.