There’s something strange happening these days. Nearly everyone I talk with says they’re not having sex or they’re not having sex as often as they’d like.
Now, I happen to be one of those people, but that’s because I’m single and I quit dating sites well before Covid hit. I’m talking about those who are coupled up. Married, not married, 20s, 30s, 40s, 50+ – people are saying they’re not getting it and I find it very disconcerting.
I joke with my coupled-up friends who say they’re not interested, not in the mood, too tired to take one for the team! FFS, some of us would love to be getting some and the fact that they can but won’t is just not right.
Quarantine has us stuck at home, bored, and frustrated – which, to me, seems like a perfect recipe for sex. Instead, people are working on their recipe for sour-dough.
I hear couples talk about how tired they are – and granted, working, home-schooling, and keeping kids busy take A LOT of energy. That kind of tired is well-earned. But what about relationships? Those need energy too. You know what’s reinvigorating? Sex. It helps us sleep better, boosting our energy. It releases endorphins, boosting our mood. When you sleep better and are in a better mood, you’re not as tired.
I’ve also heard the complaint that only one partner is in the mood and the other is too tired, causing disappointment and disconnect. I absolutely believe that sex should be enjoyed by both parties, but sometimes, creating desire starts with one person giving and/or doing for the other.
I don’t want to assign blanket gender stereotypes, but I will use gender for these examples with the understanding that it can really apply to men and women.
Fellas, I’ve heard it said that if you want sex on Wednesday, foreplay starts on Monday. Meaning, if – especially if – it’s been awhile, or if your wife/partner/girlfriend is saying she’s tired, taking things off her to-do list leaves more energy to put toward you. Pour her a glass of wine, tell her to go watch some tv while you make dinner or get the kids ready for bed.
As to men, let’s be honest, men typically don’t need foreplay. But if your man does, use the above example.
One of the sexiest things one partner would do for me when I was too tired was say, “Just you tonight. Let me take care of you.”
The first time he said this, I wondered, What’s the catch?
There was no catch. He understood that sex would be really good for me and he was unselfish enough to take care of me. It was a brilliant move, actually, because that just made him even more desirable to me. I wanted to give back to him – if not that same night, definitely the next.
I’m not saying partner relationships require sex, but sex and sexual intimacy differentiate a couple from roommates. Sex and sexual intimacy keep couples connected outside the bedroom as well as under the sheets, fostering deeper understanding and appreciation for one another. I don’t understand why people choose to let that fall away. Do people give up? Do they stop caring? Are they planning to ride out the relationship until one leaves or dies?
I have no answers, just a lot of questions. But when the desire to connect ends, I think that signals a warning of complacency. Complacency kills relationships. It’s like a slow-growing cancer, eating away at the connection.
If you see yourself represented here, I hope you’ll take steps to ‘connect’ with your partner. Life is really stressful lately. Sex is the perfect stress-reliever. Take one for the team.